Venus Day

Two kinds of narcissism cont'd
The need for approval
There is nothing wrong with needing other people's approval. We'd all be horrible people if we didn't need approval. It keeps us civil and agreeable and it allows us to cooperate together far more effectively than agape has ever done (which is the root of the failure of Christian social justice).

As Adam Smith, famously, put it:

It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own necessities but of their advantages.

And that is a fine way to manage our public relations. But what of intimate relations? What happens when the need to gain others approval in this way starts applying to sexual relations?

Well, I saw an example on Wednesday. There was a group of young women somewhere between 18 to 21 years of age shopping at a store I was at. One of them was wearing a T-shirt that had printed on it the following:

He saw it.
He wanted it.
He got it.

It took me back to an odd conversation I had with my friend Nanci-Jane on the very first day I met her. We were discussing various things and she obviously was concerned that I might have gotten the impression she was a goody goody. So she said to me, apropos of nothing, "Hey, I put out."

That T-shirt sent the same message to the whole world. "Don't get the impression I'm stuck up or difficult." Hell, she's even willing to wear a shirt that implies she is just a commodity, an 'it' to be enjoyed like caramel cheesecake, just so you will approve of her. What else will she do?

Anyone who has been to university knows this effect. You will remember the way that many women in university crave sexual approval. You will remember the more than one woman who was so easily seduced because she so desperately craved approval. I suspect that most women have had sex or been close to giving in at least once just because they wanted approval.

The seduction techniques that guys who talk about "having game" use are all predicated on women's need for approval. You convince her that you are an alpha male, tell her she is beautiful then ignore her. Make her earn your approval. (And most guys, if we are honest, will admit that even without having read the books we know what these techniques are.)

And the odds are pretty good that she will "earn it". One of the odd contradictions in life is that the truly beautiful women are the ones who will go to the greatest lengths to get your approval. They are the easiest to seduce. Perhaps because they know that they have done nothing to merit their special status.

And yet they are the hardest to love because, and this is the crucial thing, the need for approval is really a kind of self love not love of others.  In the short run Doug will think that Jean is the greatest thing ever because not only is she really hot looking, her need for approval makes her incredibly generous and giving in bed. But none of that giving is really for him. She does it all for her self-esteem because she desperately needs someone else to tell her she is desirable.

Later, when Doug is in love with Jean and she is in love with him, he can no longer tell her she is beautiful and have her believe it. She will say, "Oh, you're biased." And now she no longer believes that he is quite so alpha as she once did so she doesn't need to gain his approval.

But she will believe the half-hearted compliment some complete fraud who postures and boasts at the next party she goes to. The lowest gopher from some local law firm will convince her that he is a high-powered litigator and, having gotten her attention, he will ignore her and she will flaunt herself in a  desperate attempt to regain the approval he tauntingly held out to her and she may even have sex with him to prove.

And, here is the really bizarre thing about it, she'll have sex that is really good for her because she'll feel really good about finally getting his approval. Just as we often try harder to like the show we paid more to get into, she will try harder to have a good time for this guy than she does anymore for Doug who loves her. The one small consolation is that the braggart who nails her probably won't enjoy it quite so much because, no matter how effective his seduction technique, he'll never quite be able to shake the impostor syndrome that goes with it for the simple reason that he is an impostor. But, if she never sees him long enough to learn better, she may well cherish the memory for years.

What to do about it?
Oddly, I don't think there is any point in Jean trying to overcome her need for approval. That simply cannot be done. Just try pretending you don't like Frito Lays. Think you can do it? Well, tell yourself you don't and then eat just one. Maybe you really don't like them but if not potato chips, there is something else in your life that plays that role. A woman may not need some kinds of approval from some kinds of men but somewhere there are guys who really ought to be beneath her dignity that she will suddenly feel a strong need to get approval from.

The need for approval is natural and, to a point, it is healthy. What we need to do to control it is develop balance. The thing that can balance our need for approval is to seek dignity.

Okay, but didn't I just last week say that sensual self indulgence pursued to the point that it looks like blameworthy narcissism was actually a good thing? And this week I am suggesting that gaining others approval, which looks like a good thing, can easily be done to excess and be a genuinely bad kind of narcissism. I know, you are perhaps wondering if I am going to say that part pursuing  dignity for women is the pursuit of sensual self-indulgence? Well yes, I am. You can't please the woman who seeks sexual approval for very long. Maybe a few months at most. The woman who works at sensual self-indulgence can be pleased and she can be pleased by giving her things that matter to her. It gives her something to turn around to her man with and say, "Okay, now you earn it!" If he is any sort of man worthy of the name, he will.

But there is more to dignity than sensual self indulgence and I'll get to that next week.

And now a song. Madonna is a bit of a clown but she really hit something with this: