Courtesy of Instapundit (who linked to it) some great dating advice. This comes up on a site called "The Frisky" which usually dispenses a lot of not terribly useful but titillating sexual detail as if this was useful relationship information.
A little bit of context. This is from an advice column. The woman who wrote it can't figure out what she is doing wrong as everyone she knows agrees that she is really pretty but she keeps ending up with lousy guys. I'm not sure how seriously we should take the question. Like a lot of advice-column questions, it sounds made-up to me.
That said, the answer is a good one:
The bad reason first: We like it because we have all wanted to say something like that to some beautiful person who just seems a little too full of him or herself.
The good reason is that it's a good question to ask ourselves. Why do we think we deserve not just love but the love of some really great person.
A good friend of mine told me about a cruise he and a group of friends took up the Amazon years ago. You can imagine the sort of people who would sign up for ecotourism in the 1980s. All right-thinking, enlightened people. As it happened, the group of about sixteen forty-somethings was mostly married people. The trip had been booked especially for this group but not everyone knew one another ahead of time because a small nucleus of people had organized it and found various friends to round out the group.
As the trip went along, everyone was pleased to see that two of the relatively few single people in the group really hit it off. No one was so rude as to actually notice which cabins these two did or didn't sleep in but it wasn't hard to tell that something was happening.
My friend Sue and her husband happened to be in separate conversations with the two towards the end of the rip and they were surprised that both made a a point of mentioning the other person so as to be able to explain why they weren't going to continue this relationship when they got home.
And the reason? Neither thought the other was attractive enough for them. Sue said the really sad thing was that they were both equals as far as looks went. But neither person was satisfied at the thought of a typical forty-something as partner even though that is what they both were. They both thought they deserved better.
I suspect that both these people knew better on an abstract level. So long as there was no personal interest in it, they would have had no trouble seeing that relationships that work are based on what you both love and cherish together rather than what we imagine the other person can bring to us. But all that professed belief is as nothing compared to an instinctive belief that we deserve to have some wonderful person love us.
Sue said that she had suddenly realized something about her friend. Her friend was divorced and she and Sue had talked many times over the years and she had really come to feel for this person and how life had been so unfair to them. Sue said to me, "I suddenly realized that she was single because she deserved to be and that she would never find anyone because she just didn't have what it takes to make a marriage work."
As Christians we believe that God loves us. But why does he love us? Is it because we deserve that love? Or is it because God is so wonderful? Of course we all know what the answer is supposed to be but that abstract belief is nothing compared to the powerful instinct that kicks in when we stop reminding ourselves that we really are sinners.
A little bit of context. This is from an advice column. The woman who wrote it can't figure out what she is doing wrong as everyone she knows agrees that she is really pretty but she keeps ending up with lousy guys. I'm not sure how seriously we should take the question. Like a lot of advice-column questions, it sounds made-up to me.
That said, the answer is a good one:
Well, for starters, what makes you think you “deserve someone great”? I’m not trying to be snarky; I really want to know. So often, most of us think we “deserve” stuff — love, happiness, a great life — simply because we’re alive and breathing. Or because we aren’t, like, horrible, awful people. Or, because we had such crappy pasts, karma owes us something. Or ... because we’re pretty. But is that really true?That answer satisfies for good and bad reasons.
The bad reason first: We like it because we have all wanted to say something like that to some beautiful person who just seems a little too full of him or herself.
The good reason is that it's a good question to ask ourselves. Why do we think we deserve not just love but the love of some really great person.
A good friend of mine told me about a cruise he and a group of friends took up the Amazon years ago. You can imagine the sort of people who would sign up for ecotourism in the 1980s. All right-thinking, enlightened people. As it happened, the group of about sixteen forty-somethings was mostly married people. The trip had been booked especially for this group but not everyone knew one another ahead of time because a small nucleus of people had organized it and found various friends to round out the group.
As the trip went along, everyone was pleased to see that two of the relatively few single people in the group really hit it off. No one was so rude as to actually notice which cabins these two did or didn't sleep in but it wasn't hard to tell that something was happening.
My friend Sue and her husband happened to be in separate conversations with the two towards the end of the rip and they were surprised that both made a a point of mentioning the other person so as to be able to explain why they weren't going to continue this relationship when they got home.
And the reason? Neither thought the other was attractive enough for them. Sue said the really sad thing was that they were both equals as far as looks went. But neither person was satisfied at the thought of a typical forty-something as partner even though that is what they both were. They both thought they deserved better.
I suspect that both these people knew better on an abstract level. So long as there was no personal interest in it, they would have had no trouble seeing that relationships that work are based on what you both love and cherish together rather than what we imagine the other person can bring to us. But all that professed belief is as nothing compared to an instinctive belief that we deserve to have some wonderful person love us.
Sue said that she had suddenly realized something about her friend. Her friend was divorced and she and Sue had talked many times over the years and she had really come to feel for this person and how life had been so unfair to them. Sue said to me, "I suddenly realized that she was single because she deserved to be and that she would never find anyone because she just didn't have what it takes to make a marriage work."
As Christians we believe that God loves us. But why does he love us? Is it because we deserve that love? Or is it because God is so wonderful? Of course we all know what the answer is supposed to be but that abstract belief is nothing compared to the powerful instinct that kicks in when we stop reminding ourselves that we really are sinners.
"Neither thought the other was attractive enough for them. They both thought they deserved better."
ReplyDeleteAttractive how? Physically, bank account, stock portfolio? They both sound like very shallow people, which I don't have to tell you is not at all uncommon these days. There are a few people out there who aren't shallow, but maybe not a "10" as far as looks go, who (if they meet up with anyone at all) only seem to find those who are shallow, I guess because there are far more of the latter than the former. The pool of non-shallow people to choose from is very small.
To answer your question, nobody "deserves" love in the context you present, either from God or anyone else. God loves us simply because we exist and that's what God does. I think the media have so brainwashed people to believe that life with a "significant other" is the only life worth living, so people who don't have that think "well, why not me, don't I deserve that too?" I think many cases are like the one you describe, but I also think for many its a question of circumstances or demographics. I believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling life without the love of an exclusive partner. For people who love and respect themselves, their happiness is not contingent on having a "special person" in their lives.