When her state of mind is the whole of the truth
Note to women readers: you may find this offensive.
A true story
Joel and Patti got married and for the first year they lived in an apartment. Then they bought a house. When the movers and their friends were finally gone they ordered Szechuan take out. Joel went to get it. Patti looked for the box with the dishes in it.
The only dishes she could find was their good china so they had Szechuan take out on Spode plates and ate with the flimsy plastic forks and napkins from McDonalds that Patti found in the glove compartment of the car. Neither of them had remembered to get something to drink so they toasted their new venture with lukewarm tap water in champagne flutes. They laughed and talked and planned late into the night. It was one of the most wonderful nights they'd ever had together.
Patti told everyone they knew about it which miffed Joel just a little. He saw it as a sacred, private memory for just the two of them.
Seven years later, Patti wanted to move. She told Joel her reasons. They were good reasons and he could see her point. The house no longer suited them and they had a daughter now and the local school was not the one they wanted to be sending her to. She wasn't of school age yet but she would be soon enough.
It took a few months to convince Joel but he agreed. At one point, Joel said, "I'll miss this place though."
And Patti said, "Not me, I've always hated this place."
Joel was shocked at this. He had fond memories and he tried to remind her of them. This was a big mistake because Patti's state of mind now was the whole of the truth. She hates the house now, so she has always hated it.
Joel can see that arguing is making it worse. The more he tries to convince her otherwise, the more adamant Patti gets. He realizes he will just have to give up on this but, before letting go, he mentions that first night. And she denies all memory of it because she really has forgotten. So he tries to remind her of the details but she gets angry because the discussion she wants to have right now is about moving out and she thinks he is trying to change her mind.
And she really tears into him, She not only tells him that this is his memory and not hers, she tells him that his obsession with "childish details like this" is "a perfect example of what's wrong with you".
This will happen to you
I watched that one happen. I've changed a few details so no one else will figure out who Joel and Patti are. At the time I thought Joel is just going to have be a man and to suck it up. And he did just that. But I was also sure it would never happen to me. It's always easier to tell the other guy to accept that life is like that so suck it up. Just a few years later it did happen to me for the first time. Not about a house but about something else and not with the woman I was in a relationship with but with a female relative.
It happened with a male friend once. But it happens more often with women. I think it is a pretty safe bet that it will happen with every woman you ever really care about.
The thing that really tears you when it does happen is that you lose something and you can never get it back. It's no help at all to Joel to know that he is right. That's the easy part. What he can never get back is the shared experience. It's no good to him to cherish this memory alone.
If you're any kind of a man, you already know that life means loss. You can accept that things you treasure will be lost. But you figured you'd always have the memories together. But one day, a woman you love will turn to you and tell you, "That is something that matters to you, I never liked it." And she will mean it as she says it.
I wish I could offer some advice.
Note to women readers: you may find this offensive.
A true story
Joel and Patti got married and for the first year they lived in an apartment. Then they bought a house. When the movers and their friends were finally gone they ordered Szechuan take out. Joel went to get it. Patti looked for the box with the dishes in it.
The only dishes she could find was their good china so they had Szechuan take out on Spode plates and ate with the flimsy plastic forks and napkins from McDonalds that Patti found in the glove compartment of the car. Neither of them had remembered to get something to drink so they toasted their new venture with lukewarm tap water in champagne flutes. They laughed and talked and planned late into the night. It was one of the most wonderful nights they'd ever had together.
Patti told everyone they knew about it which miffed Joel just a little. He saw it as a sacred, private memory for just the two of them.
Seven years later, Patti wanted to move. She told Joel her reasons. They were good reasons and he could see her point. The house no longer suited them and they had a daughter now and the local school was not the one they wanted to be sending her to. She wasn't of school age yet but she would be soon enough.
It took a few months to convince Joel but he agreed. At one point, Joel said, "I'll miss this place though."
And Patti said, "Not me, I've always hated this place."
Joel was shocked at this. He had fond memories and he tried to remind her of them. This was a big mistake because Patti's state of mind now was the whole of the truth. She hates the house now, so she has always hated it.
Joel can see that arguing is making it worse. The more he tries to convince her otherwise, the more adamant Patti gets. He realizes he will just have to give up on this but, before letting go, he mentions that first night. And she denies all memory of it because she really has forgotten. So he tries to remind her of the details but she gets angry because the discussion she wants to have right now is about moving out and she thinks he is trying to change her mind.
And she really tears into him, She not only tells him that this is his memory and not hers, she tells him that his obsession with "childish details like this" is "a perfect example of what's wrong with you".
This will happen to you
I watched that one happen. I've changed a few details so no one else will figure out who Joel and Patti are. At the time I thought Joel is just going to have be a man and to suck it up. And he did just that. But I was also sure it would never happen to me. It's always easier to tell the other guy to accept that life is like that so suck it up. Just a few years later it did happen to me for the first time. Not about a house but about something else and not with the woman I was in a relationship with but with a female relative.
It happened with a male friend once. But it happens more often with women. I think it is a pretty safe bet that it will happen with every woman you ever really care about.
The thing that really tears you when it does happen is that you lose something and you can never get it back. It's no help at all to Joel to know that he is right. That's the easy part. What he can never get back is the shared experience. It's no good to him to cherish this memory alone.
If you're any kind of a man, you already know that life means loss. You can accept that things you treasure will be lost. But you figured you'd always have the memories together. But one day, a woman you love will turn to you and tell you, "That is something that matters to you, I never liked it." And she will mean it as she says it.
I wish I could offer some advice.
Ouch.
ReplyDeleteI've observed that this goes into how women access their memories - their filing system, if you will. A guy will latch onto the prosaic details; a problem with the car will call forth a mental file labelled "car problems." If there's nothing in there that will help, then the guy will check neighboring files having to do with fixing broken stuff.
The lady, however, files events according to their emotional content. Car trouble reminds them first of how they've felt whenever something like this happens... and even if they know full well how to deal with it, they will absolutely need you to listen to them and reassure them after they get home.
This is also why, the instant you remind them of something, their minds spill forth a hundred things you've forgotten (and they CAN'T BELIEVE you forgot, how typical) - things that are completely unrelated to the topic at hand, except that the lady felt then the way she does now.
Because the lady in this situation now associates the house with negative emotions, her memories of everything there get re-filed under that heading.
But there's an upside... the Best Beloved will often re-file the fella's miscues and outright errors under "The Man I Love" heading and thus forgive you for them.