Manners and morals Pt 1
One of the things that undergraduates can be counted on to argue is that manners and morality are clear different things. One pretty standard move, for example, is to point out that you can be polite to someone while hating them. That this sort of argument is quite literally sophomoric ought to be enough to make us wonder about it.
If we come at the problem from the other end of the telescope we might ask: can you really love the person you most care about if you aren't capable of being polite to people you don't like? If love is going to be more than narcissism it needs to be something we actually do to another person. I can sit here and feel deep love for you but unless I actually do anything it is like what James said about faith without acts.
We saw a couple yesterday who where in love but didn't know how to love. They were having an argument in a public place and, in the process, making life unpleasant not only for themselves but for everyone around them. The surprising thing, listening to them as we had no choice, was how tender their intentions were.
He'd obviously recently failed at something and she was trying to reassure him. But she didn't know how to reassure gracefully and he didn't know how to accept reassurance gracefully. And so they kept discussing and discussing as each tried to determine that the other was really entirely on their side.
And they weren't oblivious to those around them even though they acted like they were. Every once in a while, they'd notice they were making someone near them uncomfortable and cut the volume. But they would keep discussing and, because neither of them knew how to be polite, the volume would begin to rise and they would end up shouting past each other again.
If you try to love someone on an ongoing basis, the day will inevitably come when you feel angry with them, or you are tired of their company or even that you feel cold about them. That feeling will pass but the only way you can be sure you will still have a relationship after it passes is if you are good at being polite to people you don't like.
The virtue required here is amiability. You could also call it charity. Both of those are old-fashioned words. It's telling that there is no word in current use that means precisely what those words meant. And what did they mean? They meant the ability to treat others with the dignity that their humanity deserves even if you don't feel much like liking them right now.
Or even if you don't feel like liking them ever. The way you would towards an enemy, for example.
To be polite to an enemy, you have to be able to see the good in them. Think of a real example from your life when you contemplate this as opposed to a heartless criminal who ruins people's lives. Think of the guy who makes life difficult at work or someone you know has said critical things about you or even a sexual rival.
More to come ...
One of the things that undergraduates can be counted on to argue is that manners and morality are clear different things. One pretty standard move, for example, is to point out that you can be polite to someone while hating them. That this sort of argument is quite literally sophomoric ought to be enough to make us wonder about it.
If we come at the problem from the other end of the telescope we might ask: can you really love the person you most care about if you aren't capable of being polite to people you don't like? If love is going to be more than narcissism it needs to be something we actually do to another person. I can sit here and feel deep love for you but unless I actually do anything it is like what James said about faith without acts.
We saw a couple yesterday who where in love but didn't know how to love. They were having an argument in a public place and, in the process, making life unpleasant not only for themselves but for everyone around them. The surprising thing, listening to them as we had no choice, was how tender their intentions were.
He'd obviously recently failed at something and she was trying to reassure him. But she didn't know how to reassure gracefully and he didn't know how to accept reassurance gracefully. And so they kept discussing and discussing as each tried to determine that the other was really entirely on their side.
And they weren't oblivious to those around them even though they acted like they were. Every once in a while, they'd notice they were making someone near them uncomfortable and cut the volume. But they would keep discussing and, because neither of them knew how to be polite, the volume would begin to rise and they would end up shouting past each other again.
If you try to love someone on an ongoing basis, the day will inevitably come when you feel angry with them, or you are tired of their company or even that you feel cold about them. That feeling will pass but the only way you can be sure you will still have a relationship after it passes is if you are good at being polite to people you don't like.
The virtue required here is amiability. You could also call it charity. Both of those are old-fashioned words. It's telling that there is no word in current use that means precisely what those words meant. And what did they mean? They meant the ability to treat others with the dignity that their humanity deserves even if you don't feel much like liking them right now.
Or even if you don't feel like liking them ever. The way you would towards an enemy, for example.
To be polite to an enemy, you have to be able to see the good in them. Think of a real example from your life when you contemplate this as opposed to a heartless criminal who ruins people's lives. Think of the guy who makes life difficult at work or someone you know has said critical things about you or even a sexual rival.
More to come ...
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