Coasting a bit
Lent is always long but this year felt especially so. I'm in the mood to coast a bit. So let's have a look at Lucia. Lucia is a dating expert and she gives her credentials in the video that autoplays on her website. Something about dating a whole bunch of men in four different continents. Yeah, I can't help but think of someone showing up to teach a course on business and saying that their qualification is that they have been involved with eight start ups because you think, "That's interesting but were any of these start ups, you know, like successful?" Because "dated a lot of different people in a lot of different places" doesn't spell success to me. To me that sounds like a loser.
Or rather, it spells a rather narrow kind of success. A useful trick in a case like this is to reverse the gender. 'Hi, I Julio and I've dated dozens of women, let me give you my mighty dating hints.' Well, we know what sort of advice Julio is going to give and what sort of goals he has. You get the distinct impression Julio ain't into love and mutual respect so much as he is into getting laid.
Interestingly, Lucia has also been on Dr. Phil. That's interesting because I can't picture her male equivalent getting a gig on Dr. Phil. I can't picture it because ... well let's just cut to the chase and see what reasons Lucia gives to explain why "Women Can't Stand Nice Guys".
Reason #1
Okay, I know some of you are tempted to tune out that this point. Here's why you should care: Lucia's advice may be, well, insane, but it is the sort of advice ordinary people give and take all the time. The problem here is, I hope, pretty obvious. If you really believe that all guys are bad, you'll never find anyone to prove you wrong.
The flip side of this is even weirder: 'Bad boys "keep it real".' Do they now? Well, rapists keep it real too. You always know where you stand with a rapist, especially while he's raping you.
The funny thing here is that manipulative SOBs, the sort of men no woman wants to date, they know exactly how to exploit this sort of "knowingness". The Internet is plastered with guys who talk about "having game" and promoting "seduction techniques" that will allow men to manipulate women into sex and they all emphasize exactly the point our buddy Lucia is pushing here. (Oddly, they never get invited onto Dr. Phil except maybe so he can mock them.)
But what if these women aren't completely crazy?
Lucia is equivocating all over the place here. On the one hand she is telling nice guys why no one wants them. At the same time, she is trying to explain why women make bad choices. Except she doesn't really want to blame women. When we get to reason #12 on Friday, we'll discover that it's really all men's fault that (some) women make the same stupid mistakes over and over again.
But let's stop a second and consider the unthinkable: could it be that these women who keep getting stuck with losers aren't completely crazy.
Here's a question: Are you a nice guy? The root of nice is from a middle English word meaning "stupid", "coy", and "ignorant". Lucia may be peddling advice that isn't going to lead to a successful relationship but she is peddling something that has very deep roots.
Here's the thing, are you running a round pushing yourself as a nice guy while thinking otherwise? Are you opening doors for women because they have good bodies? Because that kind of justifies her response doesn't it? If I'm being nice to Sylvie because I think it would be great to see her t--, I mean breasts, well that isn't really the point of being a good person is it? And it doesn't clear me that there is actually zero chance of my seeing them; but just having that in the back of my head changes things.
To see how stupid this really is, try imagining the flip side. Hey, I'll be a really nice guy. The next time I go to a party, I'll pick out an unattractive woman standing by herself and I'll go talk to her even though I don't want her. This is Dorian Gray territory. If I do this I am more concerned with the image I am creating that in what I really am and what I really want.
And is it fair to her? What if this unattractive woman takes this "interest in her" as a, well, interest in her? What are you going to do then? Are you going to let her down easy or are you maybe going to be so nice that you'll keep moving on into sex. And then she falls in love and she wants to keep going. All the time, you are being "nice".
Well, that's enough of that. On to #2 tomorrow.
Lent is always long but this year felt especially so. I'm in the mood to coast a bit. So let's have a look at Lucia. Lucia is a dating expert and she gives her credentials in the video that autoplays on her website. Something about dating a whole bunch of men in four different continents. Yeah, I can't help but think of someone showing up to teach a course on business and saying that their qualification is that they have been involved with eight start ups because you think, "That's interesting but were any of these start ups, you know, like successful?" Because "dated a lot of different people in a lot of different places" doesn't spell success to me. To me that sounds like a loser.
Or rather, it spells a rather narrow kind of success. A useful trick in a case like this is to reverse the gender. 'Hi, I Julio and I've dated dozens of women, let me give you my mighty dating hints.' Well, we know what sort of advice Julio is going to give and what sort of goals he has. You get the distinct impression Julio ain't into love and mutual respect so much as he is into getting laid.
Interestingly, Lucia has also been on Dr. Phil. That's interesting because I can't picture her male equivalent getting a gig on Dr. Phil. I can't picture it because ... well let's just cut to the chase and see what reasons Lucia gives to explain why "Women Can't Stand Nice Guys".
Reason #1
Not real: Nice guys are too nice. No one can always be that nice unless they’re a saint. They are busy being nice instead of being real and women instinctually don’t trust that. Bad boys “keep it real”. Nice guys don’t want to upset the apple cart.Let's unpack this one. Nice guys can't really be as nice as they present themselves? Hmmm. In other words, nice guys aren't really nice, they're just pretending to be. And how exactly could anyone win at that game?
Okay, I know some of you are tempted to tune out that this point. Here's why you should care: Lucia's advice may be, well, insane, but it is the sort of advice ordinary people give and take all the time. The problem here is, I hope, pretty obvious. If you really believe that all guys are bad, you'll never find anyone to prove you wrong.
The flip side of this is even weirder: 'Bad boys "keep it real".' Do they now? Well, rapists keep it real too. You always know where you stand with a rapist, especially while he's raping you.
The funny thing here is that manipulative SOBs, the sort of men no woman wants to date, they know exactly how to exploit this sort of "knowingness". The Internet is plastered with guys who talk about "having game" and promoting "seduction techniques" that will allow men to manipulate women into sex and they all emphasize exactly the point our buddy Lucia is pushing here. (Oddly, they never get invited onto Dr. Phil except maybe so he can mock them.)
But what if these women aren't completely crazy?
Lucia is equivocating all over the place here. On the one hand she is telling nice guys why no one wants them. At the same time, she is trying to explain why women make bad choices. Except she doesn't really want to blame women. When we get to reason #12 on Friday, we'll discover that it's really all men's fault that (some) women make the same stupid mistakes over and over again.
But let's stop a second and consider the unthinkable: could it be that these women who keep getting stuck with losers aren't completely crazy.
Here's a question: Are you a nice guy? The root of nice is from a middle English word meaning "stupid", "coy", and "ignorant". Lucia may be peddling advice that isn't going to lead to a successful relationship but she is peddling something that has very deep roots.
Here's the thing, are you running a round pushing yourself as a nice guy while thinking otherwise? Are you opening doors for women because they have good bodies? Because that kind of justifies her response doesn't it? If I'm being nice to Sylvie because I think it would be great to see her t--, I mean breasts, well that isn't really the point of being a good person is it? And it doesn't clear me that there is actually zero chance of my seeing them; but just having that in the back of my head changes things.
To see how stupid this really is, try imagining the flip side. Hey, I'll be a really nice guy. The next time I go to a party, I'll pick out an unattractive woman standing by herself and I'll go talk to her even though I don't want her. This is Dorian Gray territory. If I do this I am more concerned with the image I am creating that in what I really am and what I really want.
And is it fair to her? What if this unattractive woman takes this "interest in her" as a, well, interest in her? What are you going to do then? Are you going to let her down easy or are you maybe going to be so nice that you'll keep moving on into sex. And then she falls in love and she wants to keep going. All the time, you are being "nice".
Well, that's enough of that. On to #2 tomorrow.
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