Manly Thor's Day Special

Unpacking Lucia part three
Okay, let's say Lucia has convinced us that we don't want to be a nice guy. What do you NOT want her to be then? Well let's look at some more of those reasons Lucia gives us for why women prefer bad boys.

Reason #3

Predictable: Most people lead boring, predictable lives, so they’re attracted to people who are exciting and a bit unpredictable. Bad boys are always a challenge. Nice guys are never a challenge. Predictable + No excitement + No challenge = I prefer a bad boy.

Hmmm, are bad guys really unpredictable? Well, consider a couple of situations.

1. Here's our young woman out with a nice boy wondering if he'll try anything sexual on her. Answer: he might and he might not. Whether he does is going to depend on the the clarity of the signals she sends him and his skill interpreting them.
2. Okay, next situation. Here she is out with a bad boy, "Gee, I wonder if he'll try anything?" What, is she stupid? Of course he will.

Contrary to what is claimed here, the whole appeal of the bad boy is his absolute predictability. The preference for bad boys is a byproduct of insecurity. She wants sex but she doesn't want to be responsible for it.

You want to test this one out? Well, the most unpredictable guy there is would be erratic. One day he'd be all over her and the next day he'd be utterly uninterested. Do you think women want that in their "unpredictable bad boys'. 

Reason #6

Sperm wars: Women are designed to procreate with the strongest possible genes. Bad boys are sending an unconscious message that they have great genes, so they’re not afraid of losing the woman by misbehaving. Nice guys are sending a message that they don’t think their genes are good enough, so they won’t misbehave.

Here's the thing: who are the women who are really, really interested in reproducing? Well, one big hint is that they tend to have be married and have children. Well, think about women like that that you know. If the reason #6 is true the women with the strongest desire to reproduce should be the most likely to be susceptible to bad boy syndrome. Does that match your experience of married women with children? Exactly. So let's stop blaming genes.

Okay, a brief digression because some dweeb is going to argue that there is empirical evidence of this because, for example, female animals will often mate with high status males, and then fool some low status male into thinking he is the father to help her raise the offspring. Yes, that happens and there is some evidence of similar behaviour in humans. But two points:

1. The female animal's first choice is always actually pairing up with the high status male.
2. The high status male still has a powerful urge to pair up successfully with the high status female because his offspring have a better chance of surviving if he helps raise them. If this does apply to human behaviour it would explain bad girl behaviour better than bad boy behaviour.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Reason #7

Fear of intimacy: If a woman is afraid of intimacy, she subconsciously knows she can avoid it with a bad boy, since she can never get close enough to him to have to go there. A nice guy will eventually want a commitment, and that’s scary.

This seems like a shockingly honest answer. It's actually a lie. Look, a woman who keeps having sex with bad boys is not afraid of intimacy. And a woman who keeps getting into relationships with bad boys is not afraid of commitment. The problem is quite the opposite; she could use a little more fear on both fronts.

Reason #8

Low self-esteem: We don’t feel comfortable with people who treat us better than we treat ourselves. If you don’t think much of yourself, the bad boy is simply reinforcing your negative belief. A nice guy is treating you in a way you’re not familiar with.

This is also a lie: the low self esteem canard. Every one experiences self doubt when someone falls in love with them. It's a normal response. That someone we really love would fall in love with us is such an amazing thing. It would be more of a concern if someone didn't have this response.

The problem is not with the feelings. Feelings she will have: she will sometimes get angry, impatient, jealous, and consumed with self doubt. What matters is what she does in response to those feelings. Everyone is insecure but only some people behave like jerks: ergo, insecurity and low self esteem explain nothing at all.

A few days ago I was writing about what a teacher once told me about students who perennially fail:

'These kids often act as if they want to get thrown out,' he told me. 'They don't really want to get thrown out but getting thrown out is one thing they actually do know how to do. They start off wanting to succeed but also very insecure because they haven't got a clue how to play their part in a successful classroom experience. When things start to go wrong it's almost a comfort to them because now they at least know how to play their part.'

And you can see it here too. Women who keep getting into relationships with bad boys simply don't know how to play a successful part. (Quite likely because most of the women she has known, starting with her own mother, didn't know how either.) And we can see this quite clearly if we look at reasons #9 and #10 and #11.

Sex: Women feel a nice guy won’t be good in bed. They sometimes like to be manhandled and think a nice guy won’t be able to take control and get the job done. A bad boy comes across as being able to deliver, even though that may not always be the case. 
Hot: Have you ever seen a bad boy who wasn’t hot? I’m sure there are a few, but they wouldn’t be able to get away with half the stuff they did if they didn’t look so good. Meanwhile, when a woman describes someone as a nice guy, she means, “He’s not hot”.
Charm: Nice guys don’t always know what to say, and are sometimes at a loss for words. Bad boys can be very charming and know exactly what women want to hear. However, they eventually switch over to being selfish. By the time they reveal their true colors, the woman has fallen for them and has a hard time letting go.

Hey, bad boys are charming. Just like psychopaths! What all these things have in common is that they shift all the responsibility for making the sex good onto the guy. Women don't think nice guys will be able to deliver? Or is it that they don't think they will be able to come?

The hotness issue is circular. Bad boys are hot. And how can you tell he's a bad boy? Because he's hot. In other words, this isn't about the the guy at all. It's about what she projects onto him.

Are bad boys charming? Actually, no. They tend to be weak, creepy and weak on personal hygiene. But we're looking for excuses here.

Look, the guy described in the above three examples is not a real human being but a fantasy lover. The woman with reasonable behaviour will fantasize about such a guy but never look for him in real life.

What's the lesson here for men? Ignore attitude and focus on behaviour. There is a simple word for any woman who life habits show a strong commitment to reasons #9, #10 and #11 and the word is loser. Don't date losers.

The last post on Lucia is here.