Friday, July 16, 2010

Number nine again

I really don't like using rough language in print so I try to avoid it wherever possible. In this case that is a little difficult because #9 from the Ask Men list of reasons you may be too good for her was "She ___s like a porn star." I'm sure you can fill in the blank for yourself. Here is how they explain it:
Sure, we all have those fantasies, but if your woman is taking you into uncharted territory that has serious repercussions for personal safety, there's a good chance it's a sign you're too good for her. No limits or boundaries in the intimate sphere means serious problems with self-respect and control in general. Sure the sex will be mind-blowing, but you’ll never know where she’s been or even how she learned her maneuvers, which can only mean one thing…
 Well, that's kinda right but not really the way I see it. This is one of those things that needs to be expanded and explained a little. And personal safety matters but seriously there are very few personal safety issues in monogamous heterosexual sex. The real risks are moral.

Anyway, my opinionated take is as follows, you can love it or hate it as you will:

  1. Just in case this isn't obvious enough: porn stars don't actually ____ like porn stars. They're faking it! They're acting to create an impression on you and not seeking their own good. The fact that it's very bad acting doesn't make it any less acting. The woman you want to be with is the one who is seeking her own good not acting as a human masturbatory aid for you.
  2. I know this is paradoxical but the women who are best in bed tend to be selfish about their own pleasure. Metaphorically speaking, she should take it for granted that in sexual matters you will  open the door for her, lay your coat in the puddle, pick up the tab, lead on the dance floor, drive the car and go down with the ship so there is room for her in the lifeboat.  And she should take it for granted that you will make the effort to understand her well enough to make the right choices in all these areas without asking her a lot of direct questions. 
  3. She will also allow for you to make a reasonable number of missteps trying to lead her the way she wants to be led but not for so many that you get relaxed about it. Yes that is intimidating and if she is worthy of you it damn well better intimidate you. If it intimidates you so much you cannot do what she requires of you then you are not good enough for her.
  4. I'll be blunt, if a woman can't really lose control sexually with you, and do so on a regular basis, then you don't want to be with her. Life is too short to subject yourself to the kind of living death that sort of relationship would bring you. Yes, I'm being very male here and I don't feel even an iota of guilt about that. Being good at sex is an important part of being a woman (or a man but I'm talking about women here) and you should be able to take for granted that the woman in your life will work at being really, really good at enjoying herself in bed.
  5. The real problem is not the lack of limits or boundaries in the intimate sphere as indicated above by Ask Men but an inability to draw a line between what should be intimate and what should be public. If a woman seems to feel compelled to dress, talk or behave in ways that suggest she is a whore in the bedroom in non-intimate situations (and an awful lot do these days), you don't want to have anything to do with her.
  6. Your ability to communicate with one another sexually should get better and better. If it starts off good and gets progressively less so, you have a problem you both need to work on. If she refuses to accept this or doesn't really work at it, dump her. Yes, sex will become less spontaneous as time goes on and realistic expectations will allow for that but she should get better at responding to you not worse.
  7. At the same time, it should always feel like she doles out the very best she has to offer carefully. Not because she is denying you but because she is careful about letting go. (And she should feel entitled to have you prove that she can trust you again and again.) Again, this seems paradoxical but it's really a question of balance. The virtuous woman presents a reserved and apparently calm image to you not because she lacks passion but because her very strong passions are in a tense balance like a fabric on tenterhooks. The special gift she gives you is when she lets that balance go and says, thinks and does things she would do at no other time.
  8. What you get should be unique. This is where I get conservative. I'm very exclusive, these days about who I have sex with—one and only one partner til death do us part—and a sexual relationship (meaning marriage) wherein the giving of yourself is complete and unreserved is so good that it is worth the hard work it takes to make it go. We  have to work at giving this person something we have given no one else. Any sense that you're only getting what every other partner got is a sign that this woman doesn't really give of herself because being able to give your best to  everybody is the same thing as giving nothing at all.

1 comment:

  1. I agree with you, especially the part about how a woman presents herself in public. I would have more of a problem with a woman who prsented herself in what I (and I think you) would consider an inappropriate way in public than how I would hope she would act in the privacy of our bedroom. I think professional women are aware of that for the most part, but I've known (not in the biblical sense) one or two who aren't.

    I also agree with what you said about "losing control" in bed and not wanting to be with a woman who can't. I think that in order to do that there has to be a high level of trust, and that requires communication and not just in the bedroom, in other words a real relationship.

    And you're right, the most obvious thing about #9 is that the porn stars are faking it, they're actors. I would have thought the author of the piece would have realized the difference between that and the same behavior within the context of an intimate relationship.