One of the really weird things about narcissism is that there is a point where this "self love" tends to become an awful lot like self loathing. Take this Bee Gees song:
On the other hand, who hasn't thought that way? Have you never said something stupid and assumed that everyone who heard you, including all your friends, now loathes you? No amount of reassuring helps at moments like that.
Truth be told, they didn't notice it as all that significant. Truth be told, other people's attitudes towards our worst gaffes are probably something like this: "Yeah, you said something stupid and insensitive but, quite frankly, we didn't really expect any different from you." That's not a very charitable way to put it. A marginally nicer way would be, "We squirmed a bit when you said it but we'd forgotten about it two minutes later." But perhaps we might not find charity very comforting either.
Why isn't the truth comforting? Because it challenges our sense of self importance. Our gaffe has to be really huge because that confirms our sense that we really matter. If my failures are momentous or even tragic, then I must matter. "Everyone at my high school hated me," or "I'm so ugly no guy would want me," are both narcissistic statements.
We, of course, prefer to think that the woman who is flaunting her body is narcissistic. But you know, a beautiful body actually does make her important. All the other women and men around her are aware of and care about her beautiful body. Her deciding to dress so as to accentuate the shape of her body is actually an accurate assessment of her value to others. Her sense of self worth matches up exactly with other people's sense of her worth. The other girl and boy, the ones who believe that everyone hates or at least disdains them, they're the ones with the wildly unrealistic assessment of their value in the eyes of others.
No one is paying much attention and they think we should be. Why would we? "Because I'm hatefully ugly," is the narcissist's answer.
Another couplet from that song:
Did I mention that I just loved hat song when I was thirteen years old? It was an oldie so it only came on the radio every few months and I would hope and pray that I'd be alone in my room when it did so I could turn it up and hear it undisturbed and wallow in it.
By the way: notice the teeth on Mr. Gibb. If you ever wanted a marker of how incredibly wealthy our society has become, walk around looking at kids now and you'll never see an overbite like that. Back in the 1960s, every classroom had several kids with overbites like that and even multimillionaire rock stars couldn't do much about it.
Also by the way, he is plugging one ear so he can hear himself. With early amplification the band was so loud the singers couldn't hear themselves and would go off key the way someone singing with headphones on will do. By plugging one ear, he can hear his own voice coming up his Eustachian tube and tell whether he is on key.
You could make a metaphor out of that. You need to be self aware enough to assess your own self worth when surrounded by noise. Confronted by the hottest girl in high school, a young woman thinks that she will never have any value and the young man thinks that he will never have a chance to have a girl as beautiful as that. Their own voice is, as it were, drowned out by all the sexual noise that a hot fifteen-year-old girl makes in revealing clothes. Unable to make a realistic self assessment, our narcissistic instincts take over.
But we'll never be able to do that so long as we think that finding good in ourselves is narcissism.
I started a jokeIt takes a monstrous level of self involvement to think that way.
which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see
that the joke was on me, oh no
I started to cry
which started the whole world laughing
Oh if I'd only seen
that the joke was on me
On the other hand, who hasn't thought that way? Have you never said something stupid and assumed that everyone who heard you, including all your friends, now loathes you? No amount of reassuring helps at moments like that.
Truth be told, they didn't notice it as all that significant. Truth be told, other people's attitudes towards our worst gaffes are probably something like this: "Yeah, you said something stupid and insensitive but, quite frankly, we didn't really expect any different from you." That's not a very charitable way to put it. A marginally nicer way would be, "We squirmed a bit when you said it but we'd forgotten about it two minutes later." But perhaps we might not find charity very comforting either.
Why isn't the truth comforting? Because it challenges our sense of self importance. Our gaffe has to be really huge because that confirms our sense that we really matter. If my failures are momentous or even tragic, then I must matter. "Everyone at my high school hated me," or "I'm so ugly no guy would want me," are both narcissistic statements.
We, of course, prefer to think that the woman who is flaunting her body is narcissistic. But you know, a beautiful body actually does make her important. All the other women and men around her are aware of and care about her beautiful body. Her deciding to dress so as to accentuate the shape of her body is actually an accurate assessment of her value to others. Her sense of self worth matches up exactly with other people's sense of her worth. The other girl and boy, the ones who believe that everyone hates or at least disdains them, they're the ones with the wildly unrealistic assessment of their value in the eyes of others.
No one is paying much attention and they think we should be. Why would we? "Because I'm hatefully ugly," is the narcissist's answer.
Another couplet from that song:
Till I finally diedThat's true of Jesus but anyone else who ever listened to that song and identified unthinkingly with those lines has a problem.
which started the whole world living.
Did I mention that I just loved hat song when I was thirteen years old? It was an oldie so it only came on the radio every few months and I would hope and pray that I'd be alone in my room when it did so I could turn it up and hear it undisturbed and wallow in it.
By the way: notice the teeth on Mr. Gibb. If you ever wanted a marker of how incredibly wealthy our society has become, walk around looking at kids now and you'll never see an overbite like that. Back in the 1960s, every classroom had several kids with overbites like that and even multimillionaire rock stars couldn't do much about it.
Also by the way, he is plugging one ear so he can hear himself. With early amplification the band was so loud the singers couldn't hear themselves and would go off key the way someone singing with headphones on will do. By plugging one ear, he can hear his own voice coming up his Eustachian tube and tell whether he is on key.
You could make a metaphor out of that. You need to be self aware enough to assess your own self worth when surrounded by noise. Confronted by the hottest girl in high school, a young woman thinks that she will never have any value and the young man thinks that he will never have a chance to have a girl as beautiful as that. Their own voice is, as it were, drowned out by all the sexual noise that a hot fifteen-year-old girl makes in revealing clothes. Unable to make a realistic self assessment, our narcissistic instincts take over.
But we'll never be able to do that so long as we think that finding good in ourselves is narcissism.
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