"The common denominator in all your failed relationships is you"
I know, that's not a nice thing to say when there are so many people out there struggling. Kate Bolick and Juliet Jeske for example. Both are interesting examples of how feminism has taught women to blame everything but themselves for their failures.
Katie Bolick writes a long (far too long, given how little she has to say) piece in The Atlantic that is all about her not being married.
Along the way, she makes what ought to be a staggering admission, except that she doesn't see the significance of it.
Here is how Juliet Jeske begins a much linked piece in the Huffington Post:
Another interesting thing about Jeske is that she divorced her husband after discovering that he was gay. He hadn't mentioned this before they got married and he didn't mention it afterward. She had to discover the truth. And if you think about that a bit, you'll realize that there had to be a moment when she didn't suspect a thing. There had to be a moment when everything seemed not just okay but really good. Think about that 'cause I'll get back to it.
Shockingly enough Jeske's case is not as rare as you'd think. There are women all over the internet who write about how their marriage ended after they discovered their husband was gay. And I've known more than one woman who this happened to.
Now, before I get harsh about this, let me say right up front that the villain in this scenario is the gay man who misleads a woman into a relationship and/or marriage. That said, there is a valuable lesson to learn here if this has happened to you. There is no way to sugarcoat this so I won't even try. Sit down alone somewhere and ponder this: you were in a relationship with a man who wasn't sexually attracted to you and that was just fine with you. This is a problem with you. There is something deeply wrong with you that it didn't bother you. It should trouble you a whole lot and you should be trying to fix this.
I know, I wouldn't like anyone pointing that out to me either. It's tough love.
I know, that's not a nice thing to say when there are so many people out there struggling. Kate Bolick and Juliet Jeske for example. Both are interesting examples of how feminism has taught women to blame everything but themselves for their failures.
Katie Bolick writes a long (far too long, given how little she has to say) piece in The Atlantic that is all about her not being married.
Today I am 39, with too many ex-boyfriends to count and, I am told, two grim-seeming options to face down: either stay single or settle for a “good enough” mate. At this point, certainly, falling in love and getting married may be less a matter of choice than a stroke of wild great luck.In the course of the piece, she considers the failings of men, sexism, economics, ratios of men to women and other issues as well, all of which she puts under the general rubric of "a crisis in gender". One possibility, however, that never comes up is that there might be something wrong with her moral character.
Along the way, she makes what ought to be a staggering admission, except that she doesn't see the significance of it.
... the majority of my personal experience has been with commitment-minded men with whom things just didn’t work out, for one reason or another.Relationships don't fail, the people in them do. There are only two-and-a-half possibilities when a relationship fails: it's my fault, it's your fault or (highly unlikely) we're both at fault. If you've had too many relationships to count, it simply cannot be the case that it's always been the guy's fault.
Here is how Juliet Jeske begins a much linked piece in the Huffington Post:
Since I left my husband I have been unable to do a number of things -- the most frustrating lost skill is the ability to date. After nine years in a committed relationship, I have extreme difficulty navigating the nuanced dance that is dating.That's not true. I don't know Juliet Jeske, I've never even met her, but I'm certain she was never comfortable dating. Why am I so certain? Partly because everyone who says what she says is lying. Not to us but to themselves. But there is more than that. One of the things she does is talk about normal things like they were problems. Here is the very next sentence:
I have learned I can't be too direct, eager, needy, desperate, clingy, emotional, commitment pressuring, or baby daddy seeking. I also have to avoid looking cold, aloof, bitchy, mean, shallow, negative or distant.You've learned that? Someone had to tell you that those things were a bad idea? Did they also need to tell you that sticking sharp sticks in your eye is a bad thing? I hope this isn't too intimidating but people who get dating never need to learn those things.
Another interesting thing about Jeske is that she divorced her husband after discovering that he was gay. He hadn't mentioned this before they got married and he didn't mention it afterward. She had to discover the truth. And if you think about that a bit, you'll realize that there had to be a moment when she didn't suspect a thing. There had to be a moment when everything seemed not just okay but really good. Think about that 'cause I'll get back to it.
Shockingly enough Jeske's case is not as rare as you'd think. There are women all over the internet who write about how their marriage ended after they discovered their husband was gay. And I've known more than one woman who this happened to.
Now, before I get harsh about this, let me say right up front that the villain in this scenario is the gay man who misleads a woman into a relationship and/or marriage. That said, there is a valuable lesson to learn here if this has happened to you. There is no way to sugarcoat this so I won't even try. Sit down alone somewhere and ponder this: you were in a relationship with a man who wasn't sexually attracted to you and that was just fine with you. This is a problem with you. There is something deeply wrong with you that it didn't bother you. It should trouble you a whole lot and you should be trying to fix this.
I know, I wouldn't like anyone pointing that out to me either. It's tough love.
Hi this is Juliet Jeske, and I can say that you aren't me, so you don't know anything about my experiences or my life. I was with the same partner for nine years. He betrayed me horribly, and yes I have found dating to be next to impossible especially at age 38. The main point of my article was how I am frustrated with the dating scene in New York city which is extremely difficult to navigate as at times it feels like one big swingers party. I never judge people who are into that lifestyle, but it is not for me. I got feedback from both men and women from all over the world saying they felt the same way. To each his own, but I think you took my writing style way too seriously. Dating is a bit of a game, and I think most people think that. Being too upfront with a new potential partner usually scares them off. That is really all I meant by it. I have also found that dating in my 20's was an entirely different game than in my late 30's. The two experiences are night and day from each other as men in their early 40's and late 30's tend to be much more guarded and carry a lot of baggage. It is just the nature of the beast. I know I am a vastly different person now than I was when I met my now ex-husband. I am also guarded and gun-shy. And in my age group so many men have ex-wives, kids, and demanding jobs that further complicate things. And guys who want kids view me as being potentially too old. It is just really difficult and I am far from the only person that feels this way.
ReplyDeleteDear Juliet,
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting. From your description above, I'd say we have more in common than you realize. That said, I'm sure that I could not possibly evaluate what you are really like based upon what you have written about it.
My interest was and is in the way we talk about our experiences and how that effects the way we deal with them. So, in that sense, no, I don't think I took your writing style too seriously. You write in your comment, for example, "Dating is a bit of a game, and I think most people think that." Well, no it isn't. Love is always and everywhere far too high-risk a venture to ever treat like a game. You can destroy yourself and others treating it like a game.
Looking back from a half century, there are two things I'd say I know about life. One is that the crucial adult development stage is what happens between our late teens and early twenties. And most of us blow at least part of those years by going on the theory that "I'll have a good time until I'm older and then I'll set about becoming the adult I want to be". The person you become by age 25 is probably what you are stuck with for life. Changing after that is a brutally difficult thing to do.
The other thing I know is that marriage is about mutual service and mutual surrender. The service is the easy part. The mutual surrender is where people fail. As you say above single men in their late 30s and early 40s are very guarded. You attribute that to baggage from past relationships. That is probably true to a point but I suspect the causality mostly runs the other way. That is to say, it's because they have always been so guarded that they have so much baggage. I would guess that the dating scene in large cities is mostly made up of people like that.
Even if you don't live in a big city, meeting a good partner and making a marriage work with them is hard—it was harder for me than anything else I have ever done—but millions of ordinary people do manage the trick.
Good luck, Jules