Womanly virtues Friday
Final for now.
Before starting, I have written almost exclusively about sexual infidelity by women. That is not because I don't think men's infidelity issues aren't interesting. But far more has been written about men than women already.
A few years ago I used to go to a grocery store that was located next to what was at the time the only liquor store in Ottawa that opened before noon on Sunday. Walking across that parking lot at ten minutes to opening time on Sunday morning was tragicomic. And one of the things that really jumped out at you was that alcoholism is an equal opportunity affliction; you'd see the street person with his stolen shopping cart parked right next to the society woman in her Mercedes and they'd both be staring straight ahead with the same nervous expression on their faces.
Infidelity is also an equal-opportunity affliction. And not just on the receiving end. People of all types cheat on their partners. Even women who find cheating repugnant and who speak scathingly of others who have done this will surprise us and themselves by having affairs.
So it seems to me that the first thing anyone, woman or man, would want to do when thinking about love and commitment is to acknowledge that they are capable of cheating. Actually, that doesn't go nearly far enough. What you need to do is admit that if it ever felt easy and safe enough to get away with, you probably would. I say this because I've lived long enough that I've seen women—quite a few women—seriously mess up because they didn't worry enough about the possibility that they would cheat. They worried plenty about their partner cheating on them but it never occurred them that they could ever do such a thing themselves until they did.
And when they did really bad things happened. A serial adulterer already knows she is capable of such a thing. She may enter her most recent relationship fully intending to be faithful but she has cheated before and that means she has some established behaviours to fall back on if she falls off the wagon again. The woman who has never cheated and is firmly convinced that she never could cheat has no idea how to behave. I've seen women who were emotional and moral landmarks for all their friends go right of control.
From what I've seen, here are some hints about what not to to do:
Or just out of one. If you ever find yourself with a group of women chatting comfortably after their second glass of wine, raise the issue of women who betray their best girlfriends by bedding their exes after a break up. Then sit down and make yourself comfortable because the stories will go on all night.
Final for now.
Before starting, I have written almost exclusively about sexual infidelity by women. That is not because I don't think men's infidelity issues aren't interesting. But far more has been written about men than women already.
A few years ago I used to go to a grocery store that was located next to what was at the time the only liquor store in Ottawa that opened before noon on Sunday. Walking across that parking lot at ten minutes to opening time on Sunday morning was tragicomic. And one of the things that really jumped out at you was that alcoholism is an equal opportunity affliction; you'd see the street person with his stolen shopping cart parked right next to the society woman in her Mercedes and they'd both be staring straight ahead with the same nervous expression on their faces.
Infidelity is also an equal-opportunity affliction. And not just on the receiving end. People of all types cheat on their partners. Even women who find cheating repugnant and who speak scathingly of others who have done this will surprise us and themselves by having affairs.
So it seems to me that the first thing anyone, woman or man, would want to do when thinking about love and commitment is to acknowledge that they are capable of cheating. Actually, that doesn't go nearly far enough. What you need to do is admit that if it ever felt easy and safe enough to get away with, you probably would. I say this because I've lived long enough that I've seen women—quite a few women—seriously mess up because they didn't worry enough about the possibility that they would cheat. They worried plenty about their partner cheating on them but it never occurred them that they could ever do such a thing themselves until they did.
And when they did really bad things happened. A serial adulterer already knows she is capable of such a thing. She may enter her most recent relationship fully intending to be faithful but she has cheated before and that means she has some established behaviours to fall back on if she falls off the wagon again. The woman who has never cheated and is firmly convinced that she never could cheat has no idea how to behave. I've seen women who were emotional and moral landmarks for all their friends go right of control.
From what I've seen, here are some hints about what not to to do:
- Don't run to your partner or husband and confess everything. Fixing things between you is more important than confessing. He's better off not knowing.
- Don't run to your best friend and tell her about it. You may feel you feel a need to talk to someone about it but she is the very worst choice. She'll give you bad advice because she is too much on your side. And then she'll tell someone else. And they'll tell someone .... Eventually, the man in your life will be the only one in the whole world who doesn't know he has been cheated on and he'll be a subject for gossip among all your friends. And one day he will find out and there will be nothing you or anyone else can do that will ever be able to fix the pain you have caused him.
- If, on the other hand, you get caught, don't lie. Confess and grovel. If you don't want him to leave you, tell him so but accept that he might.
- Don't continue any sort of friendship or ever see the guy the cheating happened with again. Any sort of insider relationship between the two of you is an insult and injury to the person you are in a loving relationship with. The only solution is to stop the affair and cut your lover out of your life absolutely in the most brutal fashion you can.
Or just out of one. If you ever find yourself with a group of women chatting comfortably after their second glass of wine, raise the issue of women who betray their best girlfriends by bedding their exes after a break up. Then sit down and make yourself comfortable because the stories will go on all night.
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