How not to be high maintenance
No, I'm not serious. Someone over at the woman's site The Frisky is though. That link is probably not worth your time. I say probably because you may, like me, have a thing about trashy woman's magazine-style writing. Sometimes I gobble this stuff up the same way I go through potato chips.
The piece at the link is a classic example: even while reading it I can tell it's got no substance or value but I gobble it up anyway. A writer named Emily Bracken compiled a list out of her imagination of what makes a high maintenance man and then, in a spirit of fair play no doubt, made a similar list for women. Some of the traits she lists are worth thinking about and some are a display of Ms. Bracken's personal prejudices (she doesn't like tea or or cosmos or the people who drink them).
But the overall traits she identifies are interesting. She thinks metrosexual men are high maintenance and she thinks that girlie girls are high maintenance. There, now you don't have to read it.
My experience is that what makes a someone high maintenance is that he or she thinks you are responsible for their happiness. Everything he or she does with you will come with a list of conditions and any time anything goes wrong it will be your fault. The list may be implied or it may be set out by them before or during but it will be there. There is a simple test too: ask him or her to do some activity that you know about and they don't. If they are not high maintenance they'll be looking to you for guidance. If they are, they'll arrive insisting on certain conditions.
But you don't really need the test do you? What troubles us is the thought that we might be high maintenance and not know it.
Here is another way to approach the problem: make a list of your narcissistic tendencies.
I know, "But I'm not a narcissist."
Actually, we all pretty much have to be. Anyone in a society as narcissistic as ours will have narcissistic tendencies. The more worrisome thing is not having narcissistic tendencies but denying them. A friend of my mothers who treats alcoholics once said, "It's a danger sign if you find yourself saying 'I'm not an alcoholic'".
And we cater to that. I suspect no true narcissistic could fail any of the narcissistic personality tests available. It's too easy to figure out what you are supposed to say in order to pass.
So take the opposite tack and ask yourself what is undeniably narcissistic about you.
Sure, I'll go first. Taking the seven deadly sins of narcissism as my guide, here are mine:
I know, the tempting thing to say is that these are all normal human tendencies and even healthy to some extent. I might even go a step further and try to argue that my ability to recognize these failings is healthy. I don't buy that though.
Here's something I haven't told you, although I'm guilty on all seven, I'm much worse at two of the above than the rest. No, I won't say which ones. I will say that I have to make a concerted effort to control them.
Your turn.
No, I'm not serious. Someone over at the woman's site The Frisky is though. That link is probably not worth your time. I say probably because you may, like me, have a thing about trashy woman's magazine-style writing. Sometimes I gobble this stuff up the same way I go through potato chips.
The piece at the link is a classic example: even while reading it I can tell it's got no substance or value but I gobble it up anyway. A writer named Emily Bracken compiled a list out of her imagination of what makes a high maintenance man and then, in a spirit of fair play no doubt, made a similar list for women. Some of the traits she lists are worth thinking about and some are a display of Ms. Bracken's personal prejudices (she doesn't like tea or or cosmos or the people who drink them).
But the overall traits she identifies are interesting. She thinks metrosexual men are high maintenance and she thinks that girlie girls are high maintenance. There, now you don't have to read it.
My experience is that what makes a someone high maintenance is that he or she thinks you are responsible for their happiness. Everything he or she does with you will come with a list of conditions and any time anything goes wrong it will be your fault. The list may be implied or it may be set out by them before or during but it will be there. There is a simple test too: ask him or her to do some activity that you know about and they don't. If they are not high maintenance they'll be looking to you for guidance. If they are, they'll arrive insisting on certain conditions.
But you don't really need the test do you? What troubles us is the thought that we might be high maintenance and not know it.
Here is another way to approach the problem: make a list of your narcissistic tendencies.
I know, "But I'm not a narcissist."
Actually, we all pretty much have to be. Anyone in a society as narcissistic as ours will have narcissistic tendencies. The more worrisome thing is not having narcissistic tendencies but denying them. A friend of my mothers who treats alcoholics once said, "It's a danger sign if you find yourself saying 'I'm not an alcoholic'".
And we cater to that. I suspect no true narcissistic could fail any of the narcissistic personality tests available. It's too easy to figure out what you are supposed to say in order to pass.
So take the opposite tack and ask yourself what is undeniably narcissistic about you.
Sure, I'll go first. Taking the seven deadly sins of narcissism as my guide, here are mine:
Shamelessness: Yup, when I do something stupid, my first instinct is often pure shamelessness. For example: I once said something nasty about someone not realizing he was sitting within earshot. When told about it, my response was, he's such a jerk that I don't care.I'm seven for seven.
Magical thinking: This is my classic response when politics don't go my way. I find myself expecting the scandal that will save the day for my side.
Arrogance: Do I respond to defeats by denigrating the person who defeated me? You bet I do.
Envy: Do I sometimes treat people in superior positions by denigrating them? Guilty.
Entitlement: "Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special." Ba ha ha ha ... I mean, yes, I've done this.
Exploitation: Have I exploited others without regard for their feelings or interests? Yes and I'm worse at it with the people closest to me.
Bad boundaries: I've only become aware of this recently. I'm especially prone to it when I'm in a relatively intimate situation. When talking to the person cutting my hair or cleaning my teeth for example.
I know, the tempting thing to say is that these are all normal human tendencies and even healthy to some extent. I might even go a step further and try to argue that my ability to recognize these failings is healthy. I don't buy that though.
Here's something I haven't told you, although I'm guilty on all seven, I'm much worse at two of the above than the rest. No, I won't say which ones. I will say that I have to make a concerted effort to control them.
Your turn.
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