Sexually promiscuous?
So here is the basic story. Every year, the very popular Ask Men site does a survey of men's attitudes about a wide variety of subjects. One of the questions they ask is, "At what point does a woman become sexually promiscuous?" The answer they are looking for is the number of sexual partners at which this threshold is crossed.
In response to the numbers that respondents gave, the writers at a site called How About We ..., which is really a dating service, were incredulous.
I'll get to the numbers in a minute but let me point out something we might miss because it's too close to the surface here: men don't want promiscuous women and women don't like to be thought of as promiscuous. The good folks at How about we ... dispute the number of partners it takes to be considered promiscuous, they most pointedly did not say, "What's the matter with promiscuity?" Think about that for a while!
For six decades now the media have been running stories telling us that there has been a massive shift in attitudes about sex. If we believe the media, our society has been getting steadily more permissive and more experimental about sex. This is nonsense.
Okay, here are the conservative numbers I've got you primed for (and the ones of note are the ones under the American flag*).
Defusing the threat
What I want to convince you of now is that both these sites are really in the business of reassuring their readers. The real point of the response and, perhaps more surprisingly, the Ask Men survey is to reassure people in certain target groups that they are either normal or close enough to normal that they don't have to worry.
Let's start with the two sites. How do they make money? How about we ... is a dating site so they make their money by attracting clients and the clients they need most are women. Keep that in mind as you read the counter-argument they make:
What these women are seeking is confirmation that they are desirable partners and so they want to be reassured that they are not sexually promiscuous. That's why the site had to respond to the survey.
The question is easier with Ask Men because they make their money from advertisers. The key demographic for advertisers is men between 25 to 34 years of age with above average incomes. And we should be aware that some of these men, particularly the ones on the high side of the scale, will be married.
To make money, Ask Men has to attract these readers. Lots of other people, including millions of young women, visit the site everyday but the ones they really want are those men. That means that they want to be absolutely sure those men see their own attitudes, hopes and fears reflected back at them when they go to Ask Men.
So you can be certain that this survey is, in fact, an accurate reflection of how men in that group think. And that also means I have bad news for the women who are threatened by the thought that these men will think them promiscuous if they have had five or more sexual partners.
If you read the whole survey, you'll find that these men are mostly a pretty conservative lot. They are also largely a decent lot—much more so than most media at women would lead you to believe—although there is clearly a small subset of total creeps in the group.
Okay, okay, enough with the cute analysis Jules, do you really thing a woman with five or more sexual partners is sexually promiscuous?
That's the wrong question. The question is why do 42 percent of American men think she is?
Let's start with an important assumption: most men seek a partner who is a few years younger than them. What that tells us is that "promiscuous" really means "a woman a few years younger than me who has already has had as many or more sexual partners as I have".
Yeah, let's take our hats off to Ask Men because they have asked the question, "How many sexual partners have you had?" in the only form that could possibly get a really honest answer. So the take away here is that among college-educated men between the ages of 25 to 34 (the most desirable marriage partners for most women):
But we can also see the answer to the question of where promiscuity starts. Most people have somewhere between one to ten sexual partners. Passing the fifth partner means that you are moving into the upper range of normal. Passing the tenth means you are moving out of normal.
The only thing to add is that normal is nothing to sneeze at.
* Canadian readers will note that our numbers are virtually identical and the Aussies aren't far off. The oddballs are the sex-crazed Brits.
So here is the basic story. Every year, the very popular Ask Men site does a survey of men's attitudes about a wide variety of subjects. One of the questions they ask is, "At what point does a woman become sexually promiscuous?" The answer they are looking for is the number of sexual partners at which this threshold is crossed.
In response to the numbers that respondents gave, the writers at a site called How About We ..., which is really a dating service, were incredulous.
I'll get to the numbers in a minute but let me point out something we might miss because it's too close to the surface here: men don't want promiscuous women and women don't like to be thought of as promiscuous. The good folks at How about we ... dispute the number of partners it takes to be considered promiscuous, they most pointedly did not say, "What's the matter with promiscuity?" Think about that for a while!
For six decades now the media have been running stories telling us that there has been a massive shift in attitudes about sex. If we believe the media, our society has been getting steadily more permissive and more experimental about sex. This is nonsense.
Okay, here are the conservative numbers I've got you primed for (and the ones of note are the ones under the American flag*).
Defusing the threat
What I want to convince you of now is that both these sites are really in the business of reassuring their readers. The real point of the response and, perhaps more surprisingly, the Ask Men survey is to reassure people in certain target groups that they are either normal or close enough to normal that they don't have to worry.
Let's start with the two sites. How do they make money? How about we ... is a dating site so they make their money by attracting clients and the clients they need most are women. Keep that in mind as you read the counter-argument they make:
The average American woman loses her virginity at 17 years old. So that's one sexual encounter.Now let's forget about whether we agree with that or not for a moment and ask ourselves this: why the average thirty year old woman? Why pick that age? And the answer to that is because women in their thirties are the ones who use dating services.
So the average 30-year-old American woman will have been sexually active for 13 years. This means that, in addition to the initial sexual encounter, if a woman has sex with 4 partners over the course of 13 years, she's considered promiscuous. That's about 1 sexual encounter every three years.
Come on, men! Having sex once every three years does not a promiscuous woman make!
What these women are seeking is confirmation that they are desirable partners and so they want to be reassured that they are not sexually promiscuous. That's why the site had to respond to the survey.
The question is easier with Ask Men because they make their money from advertisers. The key demographic for advertisers is men between 25 to 34 years of age with above average incomes. And we should be aware that some of these men, particularly the ones on the high side of the scale, will be married.
To make money, Ask Men has to attract these readers. Lots of other people, including millions of young women, visit the site everyday but the ones they really want are those men. That means that they want to be absolutely sure those men see their own attitudes, hopes and fears reflected back at them when they go to Ask Men.
So you can be certain that this survey is, in fact, an accurate reflection of how men in that group think. And that also means I have bad news for the women who are threatened by the thought that these men will think them promiscuous if they have had five or more sexual partners.
If you read the whole survey, you'll find that these men are mostly a pretty conservative lot. They are also largely a decent lot—much more so than most media at women would lead you to believe—although there is clearly a small subset of total creeps in the group.
Okay, okay, enough with the cute analysis Jules, do you really thing a woman with five or more sexual partners is sexually promiscuous?
That's the wrong question. The question is why do 42 percent of American men think she is?
Let's start with an important assumption: most men seek a partner who is a few years younger than them. What that tells us is that "promiscuous" really means "a woman a few years younger than me who has already has had as many or more sexual partners as I have".
Yeah, let's take our hats off to Ask Men because they have asked the question, "How many sexual partners have you had?" in the only form that could possibly get a really honest answer. So the take away here is that among college-educated men between the ages of 25 to 34 (the most desirable marriage partners for most women):
- Forty-two percent have had five or fewer than five sexual partners,
- Thirty percent have had somewhere around ten sexual partners,
- Ten percent have had somewhere around twenty partners, and
- Three percent have had somewhere around fifty sexual partners.
But we can also see the answer to the question of where promiscuity starts. Most people have somewhere between one to ten sexual partners. Passing the fifth partner means that you are moving into the upper range of normal. Passing the tenth means you are moving out of normal.
The only thing to add is that normal is nothing to sneeze at.
* Canadian readers will note that our numbers are virtually identical and the Aussies aren't far off. The oddballs are the sex-crazed Brits.
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