As a rule I try not to however and I resist it whenever I think people are watching precisely because I believe that men are supposed to be in control of themselves at all public moments outside of funerals and patriotic memorials.
I do think the sight of a man struggling against tears can be moving. Provided he wins. Otherwise not so much.
But what if a woman asks or tells you to let your emotions show? Should you do it?
Absolutely not.
Here is what is happening. We all imagine that what works for us will work for others. Women like talking about their feelings and having a good cry helps them get over things. So they ask us to do the same when they are feeling down.
That's why they do it.
Of course they also tell us that they won't think less of us if we do. She isn't lying to you when she says this. She is lying to herself. She will think less of you. And it doesn't matter how much she doesn't want to think less of you. She can will herself with every bit of will power she has not to think less of you and it won't work.
Here is why it won't work. What she loves about you is your emotional stability and your strength. That's what makes you different from her. It's what makes you the rock she can build her life on. She won't hate you for getting weepy but she will think less of you. Your status will change from the sort of man she takes seriously to the sort of man she treats like one of the girls. You don't want to be that.
I know, I know, every once in a while you'll hear some woman talking about how wonderful her best girlfriend is and wishing that she could have that sort of relationship with a man. Does that sound like a good idea? Ask yourself this, do you want to be her best girlfriend? Don't consider the question in the abstract, notice how women actually treat their best girlfriends. Notice how they talk about their best girlfriend when she isn't around, notice the rivalry between women and their best girlfriends, and notice just how much they really trust one another (as opposed to how much they say they trust one another).
I'm serious, make a study of it and then decide,
Meanwhile, here are a few really good ways to deal with sadness in your life:
- Go for a hike
- Even better, go for a hike with a rucksack on your back.
- Even better than that go for a hike with a rucksack full of fishing gear and a fly rod on your back.
- Even better than that go for a hike with a rucksack full of fishing gear and a fly rod on your back and come back to have a Classic Bistro steak frites with a bottle of wine with someone you like.
- Even better than that go for a hike with a rucksack full of fishing gear and a fly rod on your back and come back to have a Classic Bistro steak frites with a bottle of wine with someone you like who is female and can be counted on to wear something nice, flirt with you and talk about anything but what has you down.
- Even better than that go for a hike with a rucksack full of fishing gear and a fly rod on your back and come back to have a Classic Bistro steak frites with a bottle of wine with someone you like who is female and can be counted on to wear something nice, flirt with you and talk about anything but what has you down unless you bring it up later while having a good whiskey in front of the fire and then will only listen sympathetically.
- Even better than that go for a hike with a rucksack full of fishing gear and a fly rod on your back and come back to have a Classic Bistro steak frites with a bottle of wine with someone you like who is female and can be counted on to wear something nice, flirt with you and talk about anything but what has you down unless you bring it up later while having a good whiskey in front of the fire and then will only listen sympathetically and then will cuddle up next to you, kiss you and give you a really good ... uh, lets just say a really good time.
You make it tougher, I've found that most men are their own worst enemies because of the myths they believe about manliness and masculinity, like real men don't cry. All of your suggestions for dealing with sadness are excellent, but are simply band-aids that might or might not mask the pain, and for many men result in form of denial. None of them are as therapeutic as a good cry. Cry in the bathroom with the water running--both the shower and the sink--if you have to, it takes less time and its free, a gift from God. I need to reiterate, crying is not synonymous with losing control. It can, in fact, help a man to regain control of some thing or situation he finds overwhelming or out of control. Its a natural and appropriate human response to a variety of circumstances depending on the individual. As far as women thinking less of a man if he cries, maybe its time for us all to unleash those women who still use that classic castrating female strategy.
ReplyDeleteThis explains it better than words alone can, with due credit to Roy Orbison.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juxvkRDO2Nk
Like most people, I tend to take my own experience as normal :-) so anyone who wants is free to take this with a grain of salt.
ReplyDeleteBut I just naturally stopped crying at a certain age. I worked at it a bit I'll admit but I think that men just stop crying after a while. It's a natural thing.
That a good cry is therapeutic, I cheerfully agree with, but I just outgrew it.
I think we all try to universalize our own experience, but these types of discussions remind me just how different everyone is. While you cry less now than when you were younger, I find I'm able to cry more as I've gotten older over the last 10-15 years, when circumstances warrant of course. Watching the original Alistair Sim black and white version of "A Christmas Carol" on Christmas Eve does it for me because it brings back memories of doing that as a boy with my grandparents. I also hope you understand that my comments did not refer to people in a clinical depression who often cry at the drop of a hat or are unable to stop crying.
ReplyDelete