Monday, March 15, 2010

The dark triad—alpha males revisited

There were a lot pixels spilled a while ago about narcissists getting laid more often. The great rush to keyboards was caused by a study that purported to show that guys with narcissistic personalities had more sexual partners.

The study was much criticized for relying on self-reporting by the guys (especially as one of the traits they were identified as having was deceitfulness) but I'm not sure how else they could do it. You could, I suppose, test a bunch of guys for narcissistic traits then turn them loose on a bunch of women on a reality show that only scientists are allowed to watch and see what happens.

I'm quite sure that lots of partners doesn't translate into more sex. There are sexless marriages and sex-starved marriages to be sure but those of of us not so cursed quickly come to realize that you can get more and better sex with a regular partner. Provided you pick the right partner. That's a big if. In any case, most nice guys aren't interested in racking up numbers. We look for love, sexual love to be sure but love nevertheless, and you don't get that with lot of partners.

All that said, I think most of us suspect that it's true. There is something about guys with the "dark triad"—narcissistic, manipulative and impulsive behaviours—that is much more appealing to women than we normally like to admit. But this is hardly news, how long ago did Lady Caroline Lamb praise Byron for being "Mad, bad and dangerous to know?"

Unlike others, I think there is a simple, nonthreatening explanation to this. At least, I don't find it threatening; others may differ. Before I get to it, I'm going shift gears and talk about sexual arousal in women for a while. Trust me, this is going somewhere.

Sexual arousal is a physical reaction. Women's hair follicles tense up making their hair stand taller. Their cheeks and lips flush and the lips swell as blood rushes to them. Their pupils dilate and their stare becomes more fixed. Their breasts swell, often growing a quarter in size. And ... well, I'll stop there to keep my coveted PG rating.

So what does a woman do when she wants to feel confident? She styles her hair to give it more body, she puts makeup on that adds colour to her cheeks and colour and fullness to her lips. She puts on other makeup to attract attention to her eyes and make them seem larger. Then she puts on her best bra. The point is that women can project sexual arousal simply by getting dressed.

Now the physical signs of sexual arousal are not so easy to see and not so easy to fake in guys. Provided we keep our pants on that is; it gets laughably easy if we don't. But since most guys do keep their pants on, the only way to gauge sexual arousal in men is behavioral.

And how do human beings of both sexes behave when aroused? Impulsive? You bet. Narcissistic? Yup. Manipulative? Very much so because as we get aroused we become more and more determined to get what we crave.

Truth be told, when women are also aroused they would be rather disappointed if we didn't try to manipulate them. The same is true of  impulsiveness. A person who isn't quite in control is a someone who can come under their sexual power. (Women hope so anyway—an impulsive man could also be crazy.) Finally, a narcissistic man is a man who has clear goals and pursues them rather than deferring to the woman under the illusion that is nicer. And that makes sex much less frustrating for women.

The problem, and it's hardly a new one, is that our brain is programmed to select on the basis of sex. And we tend to do this even when sex isn't supposed to be the issue. There is a constant risk that we will pick friends, employees and presidents based on sexual criteria.

Four times a day, Montmorency and I go out for a walk. No matter what I think I am doing—exercising, enjoying the nice weather, suffering through the bad—he knows he is hunting. Generations of Clumber Spaniel breeders have selectively bred dogs to enhance this aspect of his character. He is a first-class opportunist and he never ever forgets he is on the prowl.

Our sexual brain is like a hunting dog. For thousand of years only those who bred got to pass on their genes. No matter what we think we are doing, there is a part of us that is always evaluating people we meet in sexual terms. We do this even people who don't particularly want for sex. We do it even with people we are aware of but have no hope of ever meeting them, let alone having sex with them; it shouldn't make any difference that the female classical guitarist or the male singer looks the part of a possible sex partner but it is absolutely vital to sales of their music that they do.

There are, I think, two lessons that stem from this. The newfangled lesson is that not just women but also men can get more attention and, should they pursue it, more sex partners by learning to project sexual arousal. The whole seduction artist/got game shtick is about training yourself to behave in a more narcissistic, less predictable and manipulative way towards women.

In any case, as I've said before, the moral calculus is completely different if you are looking for casual sex. Manipulation and lying are only a problem in a person who is going to stick around. A woman I knew in university defended her responding to a manipulative pig of a guy by saying, "At least he is honest," meaning the rest of you just want my body too. I suspect she knew that wasn't really true but she wanted what she wanted. And she got it.

The second and more homely lesson is that to get a happy marriage you want to be the sort of person who understands your own body—which is just another way of saying understanding yourself because you are your body—well enough to make it work for you.  You need to be able to control the part that is always on the prowl when there are other things that matter more. And you need to be able to consciously encourage and stir up your inner hunting dog when the time is right. The ideal marriage partner is someone who trusts you enough to let the dark triad take over as they get aroused and get excited at your doing the same while not displaying these qualities at other times. And we have to be broad-minded enough to allow them to be both types of person for us.

That sounds easy but it's amazing how many people  haven't managed. It's amazing how many marriages end between the third and fifth years, for example.

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