The movie I was planning to write about today arrived this morning so I'll put it off. Now that summer is over, I may go to one film a month.
A while ago Dr. Helen had a piece up about a guy who got laughed at for holding the door open for a woman. He sent her this account:
I always hold doors for women. I also step back to let them get on the bus first. I have done this for decades now and I could count the number of times it was not well received on the fingers of one hand.
What makes me suspicious of the account above is the introductory paragraph:
In any case, there is an easy-to-find charitable explanation of the young woman's admittedly poor behaviour and any gentleman should have been able to find it; that is that she is surrounded by and outnumbered by the sort of nerdy guys who work at small software companies and a few weeks' exposure to them has made her cynical about older guys paying her attention.
Context matters. If I let a woman I have never seen before get on the bus before me and then leave her alone that is one thing. If I start doing favours for a woman I am in a professional relationship with that is another thing. If the woman in question is a hot young German babe of 25 years who is doing an internship, then it is really something else altogether. Interns are only one step above janitor in terms of power relations at the office so they are going to be very insecure in how they respond to you.
And you have to look the part to play the part. The woman you open a door for has only a second to interpret your intentions as whether they are benevolent or not. If you are wearing a jacket and tie and make eye contact only long enough to signal your intention that she go first, you will get a better response than if you are dressed casually and keep looking at her face as if you expect her to want to be your friend now. And don't take this opportunity to check out her breasts!
It's also a very bad idea to give her the impression that you think that big mean old door is too much for her to handle. And I've seen guys leave elderly men and women to struggle with a big heavy door only to lunge across the room to yank it open for some young woman who obviously hits the gym six days a week.
And don't be rigid about how you do it. If a building has an air lock with two sets of doors you can only get the first one gracefully. Don't even try to get the second and if she responds to your getting the first for her by getting the second for you, give her a warm smile, say, "Thank you", and then just keep walking.
I do it because I like women and for no other reason. When we both arrive at the same place at the same time I give her precedence because she is a woman and I am grateful to her for just being there. I practice it. I work at making the gesture seem natural and effortless as if I didn't have to think about it, as if it was instinctual on my part. I make it a point of honour to treat the middle aged woman exactly the same way I treat the twenty-five year old. I never treat the incident as an opportunity to begin a conversation with a woman I've never met before. And that has paid off. I get a lot of smiles and thank yous.
It helps that I know my intentions are erotic. I'm not trying to pick anyone up but I do want to signal to women that I think they are special and beautiful and that they bring joy to my life simply by being women.
By the way, the last few years I've noticed that younger women, which is to say between the ages of 19 to 25, have started reacting very positively to minor chivalrous acts. It's pretty plain they have never had anyone do anything like this before and they can't help but be pleased.
A while ago Dr. Helen had a piece up about a guy who got laughed at for holding the door open for a woman. He sent her this account:
This morning we happened to be on the elevator together as we arrived at work. When arrived at our floor, I pushed the button to hold the elevator doors open as she walked out. She walked to the card reader that unlocks the entrance and swiped her card. I opened the door when I heard it unlock and held it for her as she stepped through. She actually laughed at me. And not in a good way.I have to tell you, I am skeptical about the whole story. Not that it happened, I am quite sure it did happen. What I have doubts about is the writer's interpretation of his own motives and of why the woman responded the way she did.
I always hold doors for women. I also step back to let them get on the bus first. I have done this for decades now and I could count the number of times it was not well received on the fingers of one hand.
What makes me suspicious of the account above is the introductory paragraph:
I work for a small software company in Austin, Texas. I am 58. We have a young intern, perhaps 25, from Germany. I was introduced to her once two weeks ago, but we have not worked together and so I have not really spoken with her since.Maybe the guy really was just being chivalrous but you can see how a twenty-five year old woman surrounded by mostly older geeks just might become just a little wary of guys doing nice things for her. I don't know this guy or what specifically happened but anything at all about a chivalrous act that suggests that part of your intention in doing it is create an opportunity to begin talking to the woman you do it for will put her off and quite rightly so.
In any case, there is an easy-to-find charitable explanation of the young woman's admittedly poor behaviour and any gentleman should have been able to find it; that is that she is surrounded by and outnumbered by the sort of nerdy guys who work at small software companies and a few weeks' exposure to them has made her cynical about older guys paying her attention.
Context matters. If I let a woman I have never seen before get on the bus before me and then leave her alone that is one thing. If I start doing favours for a woman I am in a professional relationship with that is another thing. If the woman in question is a hot young German babe of 25 years who is doing an internship, then it is really something else altogether. Interns are only one step above janitor in terms of power relations at the office so they are going to be very insecure in how they respond to you.
And you have to look the part to play the part. The woman you open a door for has only a second to interpret your intentions as whether they are benevolent or not. If you are wearing a jacket and tie and make eye contact only long enough to signal your intention that she go first, you will get a better response than if you are dressed casually and keep looking at her face as if you expect her to want to be your friend now. And don't take this opportunity to check out her breasts!
It's also a very bad idea to give her the impression that you think that big mean old door is too much for her to handle. And I've seen guys leave elderly men and women to struggle with a big heavy door only to lunge across the room to yank it open for some young woman who obviously hits the gym six days a week.
And don't be rigid about how you do it. If a building has an air lock with two sets of doors you can only get the first one gracefully. Don't even try to get the second and if she responds to your getting the first for her by getting the second for you, give her a warm smile, say, "Thank you", and then just keep walking.
I do it because I like women and for no other reason. When we both arrive at the same place at the same time I give her precedence because she is a woman and I am grateful to her for just being there. I practice it. I work at making the gesture seem natural and effortless as if I didn't have to think about it, as if it was instinctual on my part. I make it a point of honour to treat the middle aged woman exactly the same way I treat the twenty-five year old. I never treat the incident as an opportunity to begin a conversation with a woman I've never met before. And that has paid off. I get a lot of smiles and thank yous.
It helps that I know my intentions are erotic. I'm not trying to pick anyone up but I do want to signal to women that I think they are special and beautiful and that they bring joy to my life simply by being women.
By the way, the last few years I've noticed that younger women, which is to say between the ages of 19 to 25, have started reacting very positively to minor chivalrous acts. It's pretty plain they have never had anyone do anything like this before and they can't help but be pleased.
Great post!
ReplyDeleteThank you.
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