The Serpentine One sent me a link to an article in the local paper about men crying. It appears that no matter how many times experts tell us that it is okay for men to cry, people are still surprised and disappointed in men when they do. Here is the key line from the article:
Like a broken record (Roy Orbison's 'Crying,' no doubt), we follow a pattern of saying it's cool for guys' eyes to well up, then acting surprised when they actually do.The article is, quite frankly, a lot of the usual crap featuring quotes from someone named Jackson Katz who is a "gender scholar". Pathetic.
The worst part is the unintentional irony. Quotes like this:
"There are these ritualized times when men are 'allowed' to cry and not have it count against them," says anti-sexism activist Jackson Katz, pointing to funerals, sports victories and moments of profound patriotism as examples. "But when you cry outside those occasions, your manhood is questioned. Part of male socialization is learning those rules."Well, yes, that is exactly it. The problem is that Katz thinks it is a bad thing that men don't cry in front of others more often.
And then this:
"There's this idea that being a real man means being in control -- of others and of yourself.How stupid is this? For starters, crying is not a metaphor losing control. To cry is to lose control. If you cry during a crisis you are useless.
"And crying is a metaphor for loss of control," says Katz, author of The Macho Paradox. "That's the heart of the matter right there."
And yes, a man is in control of himself. And he should be a good leader.
"Gender scholar" and "Gender Studies" as an academic discipline is crap. Having said that, I don't believe that crying is a metaphor for losing control or losing control. Crying can be a reaction to many different things. There are tears of grief and tears of joy. A man might cry when a child is seriously ill or someone dies, or sees his child performing a solo in a school musical performance, or scores the winning touchdown. Neither a man nor a woman crying would be very effective in dealing with a crisis, but oftentimes will "break down" after the crisis is over.
ReplyDeleteI think what Katz is trying to say--perhaps not too well--is that young boys historically have been socialized not to cry--"big boys don't cry"--("Big Girls Don't Cry" by the Four Seasons notwithstanding). As a result, many men grow up believing the only emotion they are "allowed" to express is anger, which they do very well, and internalize their other emotions because they don't feel comfortable expressing them, which is not good. I think men today who are secure in their masculinity will cry when they feel the need. In any case, I'm not a big proponent of public displays of emotion in general, by men or women, although under certain circumstances they are appropriate. Its ironic that while a man's masculinity might be called into question if he cries, it is validated if he explodes in anger at a co-worker, his wife or children, or driving on the highway. And I find couples who hold hands in public--some to the point of "making out" at a cafe or sitting on a park bench--very offensive, yet no one questions the man's masculinity, indeed it is validated.