Friday, July 19, 2013

The advice they give: female insecurity meets male insecurity, mutual satisfaction ensues

Her insecurities

Angelica wants to know why young guys are ogling her. She posted the question on Yahoo. Here is how she describes herself:
I am a woman in her mid-30s and decent looking. Decent, not drop-dead gorgeous by any means.
She apparently didn't notice anyone ogling her when she was younger and now, at a period in her life when she doesn't feel as ogleable as she used to feel, she is noticing it. She says she wants to know why? I say "she says she wants" because I don't think she is being entirely honest.

But that is okay, because her less-than-honest question gets a less-than-truthful answer from someone named "Dalrock".
They see you as in their league so they are more bold in checking you out than they would be with a woman who wasn’t in their league. You are at the intersection of the male and female curves for sexual attractiveness. Young women are the rockstars of the dating world, while young men are fairly low in the pecking order. As women age their attractiveness declines, while as men age their attractiveness tends to increase until around their mid 30s (where it starts to decline as well). As your attractiveness has declined, you now find yourself roughly at par with late teens/early twenties young men. See the article from OK Cupid linked in the sources for data on how age impacts attractiveness for men and women.
The really significant thing here is that, of the answers she was given Angelica picked Dalrock's as the best. (Although that's a lot less impressive than it might sound if you go read the, very few, other answers she got.)

Now, as I've said many times before here: They aren't lying to one another but to themselves. 

Let's start with Angelica because she is the easiest to explain. She got five answers. Three mocked her and one praised her (the praise came from another woman). One of the mocking answers suggested that she is just bragging and, well, yes, of course she is. But only to a point. She is doing a limited hang out. She brags that guys are ogling her but, because she is a woman insecure, she cuts it down quite a bit by describing herself as just decent looking. Dalrock then comes in and gives her the answer she wants. You might think, well, why would she want such a cynical answer? But the point is that, however cynical his take, it validates her. A seemingly cynical guy took her claim that she is being ogled at face value and that is what she really wanted.

And everyone's happy.

His insecurities

Okay, we've discussed female insecurity, lets look at the other side of the rock. I'm sure Dalrock really means and believes what he said but his answer is crap. First read the first sentence of his answer:
They see you as in their league so they are more bold in checking you out than they would be with a woman who wasn’t in their league.
Now, let's ask all the men who have  held back from ogling a woman because they thought she was out of their league to raise their hands.

Yeah, there is your problem right there. In fact, any time a guy ogles a woman, it's a dead giveaway that he feels sex is such a low probability that he may as well go ahead and ogle her because he has nothing to lose by doing so. That could be, and sometimes is, because he doesn't think he has a chance. That's not the most likely reason though. The primary reason guys don't pursue women they find sexually attractive is because they can't stand the thought of putting their pride on the line. Failure has a huge impact on self worth and most guys won't/can't take that chance. They want opportunities for sex to drop in their lap, unearned.

(And there are other risks too. He may already has a girlfriend. He may be too worried about the consequences of sex to actually pursue it ...)

But the most likely reason, by far, is that he isn't willing to risk the personal capital.

Now we can go back to Dalrock and what motivates him. Angelica has handed him a  gift.  She has given him a chance to pretend that men like him hold more cards than they really do. She has done this by making it possible for him to describe the act of ogling a woman (a behaviour trait that is pretty reliable a low-status marker)  as if that is something that someone with real status does.

You can prove this for yourself anytime you want by simply following (discreetly, of course) a hot woman as she walks down the street, across the campus, through the mall or whatever. Don't look at her but at the way others look to her. You'll quickly see that the men that ogle her are the creeps and losers.

Sorry to pick on poor Dalrock, but the more we dig into his answer, the more ludicrous it gets. For who here thinks that ogling a woman is a way to get a date?

Ogling is an end in itself; it's like scratching an itch. You do it to respond to a felt need and for no other reason. It's a way of getting a sexual charge out of a woman that you will probably never talk to never mind have sex with. Not that the man ogling her knows this. All he is really aware of as he ogles her is her sexual power. If you thought you had power, if you were honestly convinced you might be taking her bra off in the future, you wouldn't need to ogle her breasts right now. You know that, she knows that, we can all stop pretending.

So the honest answer to Angelica's question is that guys are ogling her because they are getting a sexual charge out of it.

But it isn't even an honest question to begin with. The real point was to get someone to respond as if her feeling that she is being ogled is plausible thereby validating her self worth. That acceptance of plausibility gives her more of a  sexual charge than any actual ogling. And, despite her protestations otherwise, she didn't need that validation when she was 19. She does now.

I'm pretty certain, by the way, that she is not imagining she is being ogled, that men actual are looking at her in a sexually appreciative way. In fact, I'd bet that a lot more men look at her and think of sex than she realizes. She's probably noticing the younger men for two reasons: 1) because young men aren't subtle and 2) because she, needing validation, is paying more attention to how she is being looked at than she felt the need to do when she was 19.

She'd probably be disappointed if she actually tried to entice a young man she caught ogling her into sex. He'd most likely run in fear. He'd run because he feels powerless towards her in the first place (that's why he is ogling) and second because the risk to his self esteem would be too great. In addition, he will almost certainly be convinced that she has more sexual experience than him and will be terrified that he will not be able to impress her. His right hand is far more likely to get a workout than she is out of this. (The arrogant and cocksure young man who'll just "nail some woman" given the slightest chance is more of a female fantasy than a male reality. And it is a fantasy that, and this tells us something important, is equally useful to both the woman  trying to reach orgasm and the woman who hates men and sex.)

How to ogle a woman correctly

Short answer: just don't. (Although I have done it myself in moments of weakness.) Glance, don't ogle. You won't get away with it either way. No matter how discreet you are about glancing down at her body, she'll notice. But she is more likely to appreciate, rather than resent, a few glances; that is, unless you "glance" down at her breasts every two seconds.

But let's suppose you're looking (whether glancing or looking hard) at a woman and you suspect that she has noticed what you are doing. What do you do then?

Here is the most important thing: Don't look away! That is death. If she resents the fact that you are looking at her, she will do so even more if you look away; that makes you aggressive and weak in her eyes instead of just aggressive. If she is insecure, she will take your suddenly looking away as rejection, and brutal rejection at that. If she is even remotely interested she'll take your looking away as proof that you're a pussy and she doesn't need another one. No matter what the circumstances, looking away is a big-time loser move.

So here's the first tip, train yourself not to look away when a woman notices you noticing her. That is difficult to do because your natural instinct will be too look away. It's that personal capital thing I was talking about above. And it's triply difficult because the odds that a woman who happens to look your way isn't interested no matter what the circumstances. If you've been looking at her, she most likely is calling you on it and expects you to stop. Even if you looked like George Clooney, most women aren't going to want the attention most of the time. (Which is why no one, male or female, sees ogling as an opening move to "dating"; anyone smarter than a Poinsettia knows that it is highly unlikely to succeed.)

Second, keep looking where you were looking. Your checking out her legs and you think you see her reacting in your peripheral vision? Keep looking at her legs. Don't look up! Move your eyes up her body deliberately from wherever you were until you meet her eyes. Don't hide the fact that you are enjoying the view. As my grandmother used to say, "You may as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb." No, she isn't necessarily going to love this. And even if she does like it, she isn't necessarily going to see it as a prelude to sex. But that doesn't matter, because you have absolutely nothing to gain by quickly glancing away or guiltily shifting to meet her eyes. Those moves are pure chickenshit.

Third, once you have eye contact, hold it.

At this point there are four possibilities.
  1. She gives you the finger or mouths something offensive at you. In which case, you laugh at her and turn to your friends and talk about anything but her. 
  2. She gives you a look that says, "I'm calling you on this", in which case you shrug, smile, raise your glass and turn away. (General note: if you are the sort of guy keeps paying attention to women who give no indication of any interest in you, I have some very bad news for you.)
  3. She looks away furtively. In which case, you look down at your drink and smile appreciatively but don't look back. Don't worry, she'll steal a second furtive glance your way and see your smile. The chances of anything coming of this are better than your chances of winning Olympic gold but that is about all you can say for sure. And, hey, you got a good look and she'll appreciate that smile and neither of you have lost a thing. (If you cross her path that evening or the next day, however, say hello and introduce yourself. Don't however, try to make it happen.)
  4. She continues to look at you. In which case, you continue to look back. At her eyes! Wait until she looks away. It's a  really good sign if she looks down. Smile appreciatively, look down into your drink and swirl the ice cubes around, take a drink and then wait as long as you can stand it (which won't be long), then count to five slowly, pick up your drink and walk over to her and introduce yourself. Do not, even for second, look down at her body again. If you later find yourself taking her clothes off, you can look but not before.
You're welcome.

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