Years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who had betrayed me and badly hurt me. And then ... then nothing.
It was one of those things you play and replay in your mind.
She wouldn't apologize except in that mealy mouthed way of saying"I'm sorry you were hurt" instead of "I'm sorry I was a heartless jerk". What goes with that is a lack of penitence. For even if you can't make it right, any real apology should be accompanied a desire to make it right enough to make you suffer. And she didn't. And I kept waiting for her to do something.
And then your mind starts playing tricks on you. First you think, maybe if I let her see how much I'm hurt she'll do something. But nothing changes and then you think, all I managed to project is weakness.
Or you start thinking, she isn't doing anything because her pride is in the way. She doesn't think of herself as the sort of person who does bad things so calling her on it has only made her defensive and angry. So you try to be supportive. But nothing changes and then you think, all I managed to project is weakness.
And then she makes a gesture and you are grateful for the gesture and you let it show. But nothing changes and then you think, all I managed to project is weakness.
So you try to convince her to do more than make a gesture and she responds by saying we need to work on this together. But that turns out to be a passive aggressive trick to make you shoulder half the responsibility for making things better when it was entirely her fault they went wrong in the first place. So nothing changes and then you think, all I managed to project is weakness.
Of course, everyone uses these tricks. There isn't a trick here that I haven't pulled on someone I should have treated better at some point. It's the relentlessness and single-mindedness of it that is unusual. Over and over again, the only thing that mattered to her was her.
But it hurts decades later. I can have whole stupid fights in my head leading to the same roadblock and the same sense of helplessness and failure because all I managed to project is weakness.
In a novel, you could make this go round and round forever. In real life too. Because it's never in your hands.
It was one of those things you play and replay in your mind.
She wouldn't apologize except in that mealy mouthed way of saying"I'm sorry you were hurt" instead of "I'm sorry I was a heartless jerk". What goes with that is a lack of penitence. For even if you can't make it right, any real apology should be accompanied a desire to make it right enough to make you suffer. And she didn't. And I kept waiting for her to do something.
And then your mind starts playing tricks on you. First you think, maybe if I let her see how much I'm hurt she'll do something. But nothing changes and then you think, all I managed to project is weakness.
Or you start thinking, she isn't doing anything because her pride is in the way. She doesn't think of herself as the sort of person who does bad things so calling her on it has only made her defensive and angry. So you try to be supportive. But nothing changes and then you think, all I managed to project is weakness.
And then she makes a gesture and you are grateful for the gesture and you let it show. But nothing changes and then you think, all I managed to project is weakness.
So you try to convince her to do more than make a gesture and she responds by saying we need to work on this together. But that turns out to be a passive aggressive trick to make you shoulder half the responsibility for making things better when it was entirely her fault they went wrong in the first place. So nothing changes and then you think, all I managed to project is weakness.
Of course, everyone uses these tricks. There isn't a trick here that I haven't pulled on someone I should have treated better at some point. It's the relentlessness and single-mindedness of it that is unusual. Over and over again, the only thing that mattered to her was her.
But it hurts decades later. I can have whole stupid fights in my head leading to the same roadblock and the same sense of helplessness and failure because all I managed to project is weakness.
In a novel, you could make this go round and round forever. In real life too. Because it's never in your hands.
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