Thursday, December 8, 2011

Intimacy fail

Manly Thor's Day Special
Adam Cohen has a tune out called "What Other Guy".  It's kind of an embarrassment, especially for a guy who is nearly 40.



Let's look at some of those lyrics:
I know what you look like in the morning
Your kisses are soft and warm
I can draw you with my eyes closed
See you with nothing on but the radio

I know how many years of French you took
Your favorite movies, your favorite books
I know what really gets you going… glowing
He's singing this to someone he calls "Anne". And then, at the end of all this bragging comes the big question:
What other guy knows you like that?
Adam? Please step into my study a moment, There are few things we need to discuss. Here, have a Bourbon. I think you should.

Here's the thing Adam: You might not like the answer to that question of yours. No, I don't know that but I'd bet it's a pretty safe bet. The stuff you're talking about here is sex and intimacy stuff and unless you're the only guy so far, at least one other guy, and probably more than one, knows all this too.

I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything but this stuff you identify is also pretty run-of-the-mill stuff. This is the sort of stuff some gushy 19-year-old might latch onto when he decides that, wow, he really is in love. And you haven't been 19 for twenty years now so it's kind of, ah, pathetic that you write like this.

You see, what is going on here is called narcissism. No, not narcissism in the sense that you need to see a shrink but narcissism as in a normal tendency in human beings that we all share. It's also something we all need to learn to control so it doesn't hurt us or others just like we all need  to control our tempers.

Let me explain a bit. Let's look at some more lyrics:
I know what your hands do when you're kissing
Your number one and number two favorite positions
I know how your skin glistens, listen
I know where you go with your beautiful friends
I know what you taste like when the night ends
Is that last line your big trump card? I'm sorry to be snide about it but the big question is is this really about what you know about her or about what you want to believe about yourself? Because it sounds a lot more like your point here is really about the sort of guy you believe you are.

Yeah, different women really do taste different and we all feel like a Provençal poet and bon vivant when we realize that for the first time but you don't really think she wants to think about that too much do you? What image do you want her to have here? Maybe you passing a blindfolded taste test? "More than half the Coke drinkers tested preferred Anne or could tell no difference".

Let's be honest kid, the thing that really drives this song is a certain self image: that you're the sort of man who really knows a woman. But any guy who has had Anne knows the sorts of things you list here and maybe they even know a couple more you don't know about yet.

Yes I am rather harping on about this but it's for your own good. Because this narcissism stuff is serious business and it can hurt you. And yes I've been there. I suspect most guys do this, although, as I say, most of us have been through it long before our 39th birthday.

Think about what happens if Anne dumps you, or cheats on you, or you over-hear her tell her best girlfriend that her ex-boyfriend Thomas was crazy and she couldn't stay with him but boy did he know her completely—he knew her so completely it scared her a bit. Maybe the thing she really likes about this relationship with you is that it isn't so intensely intimate and she feels safer that way? Would you hate her for that? Because that wouldn't be right would it? She wanted love before and she hoped that those previous relationships would turn into that so she let her previous guys know what got her going too. And it broke her heart when it didn't work. You can't blame her for that.

But if this whole thing is really about your self image—as I've unkindly suggested above—then you're going to have a hard time. Because then it won't really be the fact of the other guys so much as that she has destroyed your identity. You won't ever be able to see yourself as the sort of guy who really knows a woman again. And if you have a lot invested in that self image (and I'm guessing you have as you are Leonard Cohen's son after all and that is quite the shadow to grow up in) then it's going to tear you apart to lose it.

The good news is that everyone goes through this. There is a moment in every man's life when he thinks of himselfa s the kind of guy who:
  • really knows women
  • doesn't get cheated on
  • is always taken seriously about sex and intimacy.
But you aren't that guy because nobody is.

The special thing here is not that you've noticed these things but that she has surrendered them to you. You sing:
I know what you want by what you're wearing
The kind of night you're preparing
Really? You know that? If you do, it's because she taught you buddy. And you should be damned grateful that she has. And now you need to know two things:
  1. Are you good enough to warrant these gifts?
  2. Is this the sort of shared surrender you should be basing a serious relationship on? (And I know you love your dad but the brutal truth is that he wasn't very good at answering this question as witnessed by a rather long line of failed relationships including, most notably, the one with your mum.)

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